dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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