I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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