I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
