god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
