Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
