i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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