there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
