He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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