i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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