Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
