I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
