why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
