Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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