Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
