I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
