I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
