know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
