yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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