I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
