I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Green mimosas i think yes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
