So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
