seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
