glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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