You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
