Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
