Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
