I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
