im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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