when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
