how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
