Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
