I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
