Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
