She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
