loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
