I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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