Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
