and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
