I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the liver wants what the liver wants
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
