im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
