News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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