This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
