He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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