She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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