hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
