is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize