He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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