do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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