This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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