Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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