So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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