Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
