New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
