So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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