I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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