My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up under a house in Key West
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
