He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
