just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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