I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
