I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My feet surprised me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
