if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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