I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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