Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are a genius and a whore.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
