I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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