she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
