Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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