you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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