There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
